Because He came...I didn't have to go

I would have flown across the world for 3 nights this Christmas, probably toting 7 month old Eliza along with me, to be at my grandmother's funeral. My grandma was really special to me and the closure of being at her funeral to honor her and to hear the hope of the gospel for her life and for mine would have been so good. 

No question: because of my love for my grandma the crazy trip would have been worth it.

My daddy and I have always been really close, and being there with and for him, to support him as he grieves the loss of his second mother--the same day he lost his first mother 49 years ago-- was super important to me. 

My love for my daddy absolutely meant the crazy trip would have been worth it.

I didn't even realize the choice had been passively made until Friday afternoon and I was on a run and, doing the math, I knew it was too late. The whole week had been a blur, both here and back home, and the details weren't confirmed until Wednesday...that the service was Saturday. I wasn't going to be able to go. 

If somehow it all hadn't come together in a way that felt out of my control and power, I probably would have seized the moment anyway. I would have paid over $3,000, flown across the world just in time and flown straight back to not miss out too much on time with Hunter's family who are here. I would've made that decision without batting an eye, because finances and difficult logistics aren't the way to make choices like that. My love for my grandma and my daddy means it would have been worth it.

But thank you Jesus that somehow it didn't work. 

I finished my run where I realized it was too late and I freaked out (I had already been crying the second half of the run). I told Hunter I was trying not to blame him but felt mad at him anyway. I felt so, so sad and desperate. I looked at flights even though I knew it was impossible. I started desperately brainstorming what I could do to try to "be there" in a meaningful way (like sending flowers or a thoughtful gift somehow?) 

But there was something about my desperation and anxiety that stopped me. I have come to know this feeling. What I felt was different than only sadness or only disappointment, there was fear. There was shame. 

And those things run deeply in me.

By God's grace I took a deep breath and I stopped and in the middle of my anxiety and sadness I sent a text to some best friends around the world telling them of my sadness and fear, and one wrote back that night:

"questions I would ask you in person over wine and a couch:

How might Jesus be trying to show you more of Him while you are so far away? Why is it so hard in the midst of your family story?..."

All advent long I've been asking Jesus to help me to see Him and to help me to wait on His salvation. And if I'd had it my way I would've missed him completely. I think I would've thought I saw Him as I got to spend time with my whole family, got to snuggle my niece Harmony on her first Christmas, got to tell daddy with my physical presence that he means that much to me. I would have loved each any every one of those moments, but He wanted me to see His love for me.

You see, I could've gone back to the US with all the crazy details of it because I loved my grandma--and I did--or because I love my dad--and I do--but the real tipping point would have been because I'm not sure I'm lovable if I don't go. I need to go, because otherwise I don't know who I am. I don't know if people will love me. What will people think of me if I'm not someone who comes through no matter the cost?  

My need for people's approval and my desperate need to not let people down can make me do life contortions that would impress the most flexible acrobat. But there doesn't leave much room for a Savior, for me or for others. 

By God's grace I saw Him as soon as I read her questions in the middle of the night. And my mourning and fear turned into rejoicing. He loves me! Don't you see it, He loves me! And He rescued me! And He is with my family too! 

And I wanted everyone to see it in this way. Because if He loves me like that, then He loves you like that too.

Romans 5 and Ephesians 2 tell us that it wasn't when we got our act together that Jesus came; it was when we were still far off, still dead in our transgressions, still enemies. It is only by grace.

Because I didn't come through this time--because this time in my heart I knew that I had fallen short of what I thought made me lovable--I got to be like the undeserving shepherds in the middle of the night who heard the declaration of his coming. I got to be the little girl who needs her Daddy to rescue her not the strong one who tries to save but doesn't really have the power. 

I got to see Him come.

Can you see His commitment to helping me knowing His crazy love for me that he would set up such a brilliant scenario: quick turnaround dates, me across the ocean, Hunter's family here, comparatively crazy high cost, dependent on me baby, etc. I balk at limitations like an ocean for moments like this. But it literally felt like He made it impossible for me to get there. He set the table before my enemies and showed me how He anointed my head with oil. And my cup overflows.

And to top it all off, my family graciously found a way to FaceTime me during the service and I heard every word. It was an enormous gift to hear stories of my grandma's life, to see faces of all my loved ones as my sister Stephanie focused the camera on the communion line to see everyone go through. But the biggest gift of all was to hear the gospel. The good news that "it is by grace you have been saved,"

And the best moment?

During the middle of the service we sang the old hymn that goes:

"Come home, come home. Ye who are weary come home. Earnestly, tenderly Jesus is calling, Calling O sinner come home. Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading, pleading for you and for me? Why should we linger and heed not his mercies, mercy for you and for me." 

And as we sang those words my dad reached for the phone and sang them to me. 

screen shot while we sang together

Surely the congregation was singing about my grandma and Jesus. But I know Jesus was moving towards me, too, inviting my weary anxious heart to receive his rest and grace. 

Northside Church, our home church, is doing an advent series called "Because He came." They've filled in the blank with some thoughts like "I can have joy", I can resist envy and so on.

Here's my contribution: Because He came... I didn't have to go.